With a new year come fresh resolutions, those promises we make to ourselves and hardly ever keep. It seems to me that it shouldn't have to be a new calendar year to set ourselves a new goal, but I didn't make the rules, nor did you. They were passed down to us and we're stuck with them. The hard part is to keep those resolutions. That's why my new year's resolution is not keeping; that is, not keeping the old stuff I've been dragging along for so long that it's so hard to let go.
It's been pointed out to me that I'm a clingy person, and it's true. I hold on to things, and feelings, and people. If I were any clingier, I'd be a hoarder. I know I'm not there yet because I can actually walk in my house without tripping over useless stuff. I mostly trip over things that are useful but have been left in the way. But I do have a tendency to avoid getting rid of stuff. For instance, I can't make myself sell my car that costs more to keep running than what it's worth; or throw away the old clothes that don't fit and are so out of style that I wouldn't wear anyway; or cut off my hair that took me so long to grow out. I always come up with good excuses, such as, that's still a nice car and I will get it fixed one day, or I can't get rid of my old clothes because I don't have any new ones, or although most of the time I hate my long hair, sometimes I really like it.
But the hardest things to let go are feelings, patterns, places, and even pain. I suppose I unconsciously believe that all those things are part of who I am and without them I would become someone else. It all comes down to fear.
The question is how, exactly, do I overcome the fear of losing who I am today? How do I detach myself from the things and emotions that are part of me but hold me back?
I don't have the answers, but I just remembered an episode of the HBO series Enlightened, a show about a woman who loses everything after a workplace meltdown. She undergoes some sort of psychological therapy in Hawaii and returns feeling like a new person, only that other people, including her mother, don't tolerate her new and improved over-positive self and she keeps getting into more trouble with every well-meaning action she takes. It's not only depressing, but also painful to watch, but I learned some things from the show. One thing that I learned is that, no matter how good your intentions are, you can't impose your beliefs upon other people, nor can you change other people's lives based on your own experience; they will never learn from your testimonial.
I know I'm getting off track here, since that doesn't have anything to do with getting rid of fears and letting go. But what the heck, it's worth mentioning. Where I was going with this is that I also learned from the show to ask myself a simple question, simple but powerful. The question is, what's the absolute worst that can happen?
When I wonder about that, it's easier to keep my resolution of not keeping the extra baggage that holds me back; it's easier to break away and take new challenges. It's easier to let go because there's nothing that could happen as a result that would be so bad. I will be the same person, maybe riding a bike instead of my old BMW, maybe I'll have more room in my closet for new clothes, or maybe even in a new closet somewhere in another country. I feel lighter already.
