Oh Crap! Got Sidetracked

You go about life as fast paced as can be. I've been there. Full time job, full time school, volunteering, gym, family, friends, relationship... Not to mention your pile of dirty laundry is making it hard to close your closet door. Then you turn around and trip on that stack of books you meant to organize on the bookshelf two weeks ago. You've even become used to the hallway being dark because there's just no time to get that light bulb replaced. And don't you wish that damn garbage took itself out?

You barely have time to shower, pull on a pair of jeans that you only wore once (or was it just once?). What the heck, they're not that dirty. Put on your last clean shirt and head out the door. No time for breakfast; not that there's anything to eat here anyway. You get a coffee and a blueberry muffin at the drive-through on your way to work; lunch is a cold deli sandwich on your way to class. Tons of homework tonight, most of it was due today but will turn in tomorrow for a maximum 80% grade. Time for dinner. Are you kidding me? Oh crap, got sidetracked and forgot to call boy/girlfriend but it's too late now. They're most likely fuming right now.

When it comes to prioritizing your activities, what comes first? Or does it come down to separating priorities and options? And if so, what are they?

There are the things you do to make a living now, like having a full time job; or those to make a better living in future, like going to school. Those are top priorities, right? And everybody knows that good things happen when you set your priorities straight. But does that mean living your life in the present is optional? Spend time with family, hang out with friends, fall in love, dance in the rain; enjoy the present moment. It all drops down to the bottom of the list of priorities where they are treated as options.

To me, education is important, so is making a living. But living your life is essential. And like the famous John Lennon wrote, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Expectations Are The Devil

I love (good) surprises, and who doesn't? Like the times when you find a twenty dollar bill in a pair of jeans you haven't worn in months. I once found two hundred dollars that I didn't remember putting in my wallet; I was so happy! Then when I stopped jumping up and down in excitement I realized that, in fact, it wasn't my wallet.

Or what about when a tub of chocolate ice cream contains surprise chocolate chunks near the bottom? A delicious surprise if you aren't expecting it. That's the thing about surprises, they sneak up on you when you least expect them.

Which reminds me of an experience I had back in the fall of 2009 when I had recently moved to Colorado. It was my birthday and I knew absolutely no one in town, so after work I decided to drive to Arizona to spend my birthday with family and friends. On my way there, I called everyone to announce my visit, but it seemed they all had something better to do that evening. I didn't understand; now that I lived in a different state! And that it was my birthday! What was wrong with them? Even my family didn't seem to care.

I made it to Sedona late at night. I was tired and teary-eyed disappointed. Even the door to my old apartment gave me a hard time. My roommate had decided to double lock the door that day, knowing quite well the second lock always got stuck. Now I was also angry. Little did I know that all the struggle to get the door open was the cue for my friends and family inside to lower the lights and hide behind couches. When I finally entered, I was received with a loud and cheerful "Happy Birthday!"

I have learned that the countless self-motivation books I've read are right about not having expectations. First, I was disappointed because I expected a birthday party, but later I was truly surprised because I didn't expect it.

Expectations are the devil. They are only sources of disappointment, anger, and anxiety. They also carry a certain amount of arrogance; no one's obligated to do anything for anyone. On the other hand, it's always pleasant to receive good surprises. Now my question is how, exactly, do I get rid of expectations?

The Bigger the Object, the Harder to Spot

(I'm not proud to admit I've gone a few weeks without writing, and yes, I realize that the only thing worse than a broke writer is a broke writer who doesn't write. In my defense, I can say that I've been busy doing volunteer work).

Some of you may know from a previous blog post that I have a day job as a front desk agent at a hotel. Aside from the financial benefits of a full time job, of course, as an aspiring writer I benefit from observing unsuspecting people's behavior. While they go about their business, I observe and learn how real people behave so I can better characterize the fictional people in my stories.

The best time to watch without creeping people out for staring is during our complimentary continental breakfast. A specific trait that most people share is that of spot blindness, which in this case applies to those who can't see what's right in front of them no matter how hard they try. The bigger the object, the harder to spot.

For instance, the cereal dispensers have big knobs that, when turned, release cereal. These knobs have very visible red arrows indicating they should be turned clockwise. However, many people turn the knobs the opposite direction. When no cereal comes out, they seem to think it must be because they're not spinning it fast enough.

Another instance is when they can't find the coffee pot. Their first impulse is to ask the attendant, me, to which I reply pointing in the right direction, "The coffee pot is on that table over there by the window." Some people say "Thank you, sir," and happily pour themselves a cup of bad coffee. Others, however, stand in front of the table trying hard to find the coffee pot, growing frustrated by the second. Some even grab the smaller glass pot of hot water that's next to the BIG metal coffee container and ask me with an are-you-serious look on their face, "Is this the coffee?"

We've all experienced this type of spot blindness at one time or another, but by observing how often it happens, I've learned two things from this phenomenon. One, that the best place to hide something, especially something big, is in plain view. Second, as human beings we miss what's right in front of us, be it a coffee pot, a person, or a solution to a problem. It seems to me that our brain tends to dismiss simplicity.

Bottom line is, while you're leaving no stone unturned looking for an object, an answer, the right person, even love, it may just be staring you right in the face.

End Up Nailed?

There's a very popular saying in Spanish that goes, "Un clavo saca otro clavo." It literally means, "A nail drives out another nail." In other words, the new replaces the old. Generally, the new "nail" is better than the last, but that's not always the case. So in order to drive something or someone out of your life, there should be something or someone to fill in the space. I wonder if that means that I may get rid of the old one, but I will always end up nailed by the new one.

But what if the new nail is only a fantasy? Something that will inevitably evaporate with time? I wonder if I can manage not to feel empty when it's gone. So I finally get rid of some hurtful feelings I'd been hoarding, and I only succeed by turning my attention to what is most likely just a dream. If it comes true, I would be the happiest man on the planet, but if it doesn't, there would be an empty space where the old nail used to be.

I guess that explains why we are seldom satisfied and often seeking something, not knowing what it is we are looking for. It is that something to replace the things we want to get rid of, or the things that have been driven out by our fantasies. So what is the secret to finding real fulfillment?

As always, I have more questions than answers. But here's some food for thought: There's a difference between feeling full and feeling satisfied; and there's a difference between feeling empty and feeling light(er).

New Year's Resolution: Not Keeping It

With a new year come fresh resolutions, those promises we make to ourselves and hardly ever keep. It seems to me that it shouldn't have to be a new calendar year to set ourselves a new goal, but I didn't make the rules, nor did you. They were passed down to us and we're stuck with them. The hard part is to keep those resolutions. That's why my new year's resolution is not keeping; that is, not keeping the old stuff I've been dragging along for so long that it's so hard to let go.

It's been pointed out to me that I'm a clingy person, and it's true. I hold on to things, and feelings, and people. If I were any clingier, I'd be a hoarder. I know I'm not there yet because I can actually walk in my house without tripping over useless stuff. I mostly trip over things that are useful but have been left in the way. But I do have a tendency to avoid getting rid of stuff. For instance, I can't make myself sell my car that costs more to keep running than what it's worth; or throw away the old clothes that don't fit and are so out of style that I wouldn't wear anyway; or cut off my hair that took me so long to grow out. I always come up with good excuses, such as, that's still a nice car and I will get it fixed one day, or I can't get rid of my old clothes because I don't have any new ones, or although most of the time I hate my long hair, sometimes I really like it.

But the hardest things to let go are feelings, patterns, places, and even pain. I suppose I unconsciously believe that all those things are part of who I am and without them I would become someone else. It all comes down to fear.

The question is how, exactly, do I overcome the fear of losing who I am today? How do I detach myself from the things and emotions that are part of me but hold me back?

I don't have the answers, but I just remembered an episode of the HBO series Enlightened, a show about a woman who loses everything after a workplace meltdown. She undergoes some sort of psychological therapy in Hawaii and returns feeling like a new person, only that other people, including her mother, don't tolerate her new and improved over-positive self and she keeps getting into more trouble with every well-meaning action she takes. It's not only depressing, but also painful to watch, but I learned some things from the show. One thing that I learned is that, no matter how good your intentions are, you can't impose your beliefs upon other people, nor can you change other people's lives based on your own experience; they will never learn from your testimonial.

I know I'm getting off track here, since that doesn't have anything to do with getting rid of fears and letting go. But what the heck, it's worth mentioning. Where I was going with this is that I also learned from the show to ask myself a simple question, simple but powerful. The question is, what's the absolute worst that can happen?

When I wonder about that, it's easier to keep my resolution of not keeping the extra baggage that holds me back; it's easier to break away and take new challenges. It's easier to let go because there's nothing that could happen as a result that would be so bad. I will be the same person, maybe riding a bike instead of my old BMW, maybe I'll have more room in my closet for new clothes, or maybe even in a new closet somewhere in another country. I feel lighter already.

That Trance is a Terrifying Place

According to predictions, the world as we know it may come to an end this year. Numerous speculations have been made as to what might unfold in 2012, including an apocalypse, a polar shift, a new age, global catastrophes, or simply a change of consciousness. We've heard it all. If you dive into it, it's frightening. Just watching a documentary on Discovery Channel about the topic scares me to death, I admit. And the more I hear about it, the more I tremble with fear. I can almost hear a time bomb ticking. I am completely engulfed in the matter and it doesn't occur to me to shake myself awake and take a look around.

When I finally do come back to my senses, it's like landing back in the present; it's like my mind reuniting with my body in a sudden strike of awareness.

There's only one other experience I can compare the feeling to, and that is watching a late night infomercial. If you ever browse through your TV channels late at night and stop for even a minute to watch an infomercial, you know the feeling, but only if you realize you don't really need the item that only moments ago you didn't know existed. But if you dial the toll free number to take advantage of the limited time offer, then you believe the world will end on December 21.

It seems like a totally unrelated thing, I know, but upon further reflection I discovered why the feeling is the same. According to my own conclusions, the commonality between the two experiences is the belief system.

Here's how it works. You are presented with a new item, something totally revolutionary that will change your life forever. They start by showing how miserable your life is without the magic item, and they play a black and white scene of some insufferable situation where a badly dressed woman is having a bad hair day because she's peeling her hard boiled eggs with her own hands. What a mess. The next scene is invariable bright and colorful and shows a happy and impeccably dressed pretty lady whose life has been transformed by the new EggGenie, an electric egg cooker created by the gods. All the while the voice of the announcer repeats over and over the wonders of the product in question. But wait, that's not all; a limited number of lucky callers within a short period of time will get double the offer. Without your being even aware, you hear the same wonderful things so many times until you can't live without an EggGenie. How you have survived all these years without it is a miracle.

In reality, the commercial puts you in a trance. When, and if, you snap out of it before placing an order with overnight priority shipping, you realize that your life and everything around you is perfect without an electric egg cooker. That realization, the awakening, the return to reality is called presence. Everything is okay now.

That's the same trance I get into when watching a documentary about the end of the world in 2012, with all its predictions and speculations. That trance is a terrifying place, but when I snap out and realize what a beautiful day it is, today, all my fears of being suddenly swallowed by a massive dark hole evaporate.

Being a Good Worker Pays Off, If Your Boss Agrees

I created this blog a while ago and wrote a couple of posts, then practically forgot about it. If you read those previous posts, by the way, I apologize. I started to re-read them today but soon I was bored half to death. I promise to erase them from the cyber space and suppress the memory of them forever, as I'm sure readers have. They were the most boring pieces of writing I've ever created.

Today I was bored to begin with, which is why I came back to this blog after months of neglecting it. After realizing how boring my previous posts were, it dawned on me that this is not the place to have published such articles, so I have decided to make this a personal space to write freely about anything that comes to mind without following a format. It sounds more fun.

And what I need now is fun. The thing is that I am at work. Yes, an actual job; I have to earn a living, right. Writing has its rewards for me but, unfortunately, none of the financial kind. I rarely admit this even to myself, but the sad fact is that I am a broke writer. So to pay my multiple bills and feed myself, I work at a hotel as a front desk clerk. The pay is little but the work is even less. Basically, I sit here behind the desk and look pretty. While I'm at it, I check my Facebook every few minutes. I don't even close the page and log back on again and again. I minimize the window and every five minutes or so I go back and refresh the page to see what everybody is up to. It's amazing what you can learn on Facebook. People feel the need to share their every thought and action; it's disgusting, but addictive. Luckily, I still have the ability to stop myself from publishing stupid updates. Sometimes I go as far as to actually type in the status bar something like, "Life is like a cookie," just because I have a seemingly philosophical line stuck in my head for no apparent reason, and the first thought that crosses my mind is to post it on Facebook to enlighten my Facebook friends. But I quickly catch myself and delete it. Most of the time, anyway.

The point is that I was bored of looking pretty behind the desk. Fall is the slowest season. While sometimes I even register a few guests and answer a couple of phone calls, today isn't one of those busy days. Earlier today I sat here thinking, "I'm actually really good at my job. I deserve a raise for being such a good worker." The challenge will be to present this argument to the owner, so I came up with a speech that I will deliver tomorrow when he stops by to get his free USA Today and free coffee, as he does every day. According to him, he can't afford to go to Starbucks and evidently, owning half of the town's hotels and apartment buildings doesn't yield enough profit to spend a dollar on a USA Today either. And I strongly suspect his aftershave is the cheap kind; I can tell by the way my stomach reacts every time he's near. But anyway, everyday he comes in to get one of the complimentary newspapers and a cup of bad coffee that's intended for guests.

But let's get back to the speech I have prepared. So when he comes in tomorrow and just as his aftershave hits my nostrils, I will have a broad smile and say, "Good morning, Mr. Thompson. Lovely day, isn't it?"

To which he will most likely reply, "The glass door is dirty, Nick. You should clean it when you get a chance."

I know he will say that because I always forget to clean the damn door, and invariable when Mr. Thompson walks in there are kids' fingerprints and noseprints and foreheadprints all over the glass. So I will say, "Certainly, that is my next item on my to-do list. But I was wondering if you could spare a few minutes of your precious time; I'd like to tell you something important."

And he will surely say, "Are you going to tell me you've rented fifty rooms today? Because that will make me very happy."

"Well, I've rented three rooms today, but there are two reservations for tonight," I will say with as much enthusiasm as I can, then I will go on speaking fast so he won't interrupt, "But actually, what I wanted to say has to do with what a great job everyone does around here. We receive compliments everyday and guests keep coming back. In fact, the other day a gentleman told me that I deserved a raise. Of course I replied that I was just doing my job, but he insisted on expressing his satisfaction with my service to the manager, totally unnecessary, but he insisted. Jack wasn't around though, because we are watching labor cost and never have more employees on the clock than necessary. So to save the company money on labor, Jack has taught me how to handle anything that he would take care of, such as sales reports or group reservations; so now he can be off when I'm working knowing I can handle anything that comes up, and of course there's only the labor cost of one employee instead of two. Jack's a genius, isn't he? Don't you agree that I deserve a raise?"

After blurting out the speech, hopefully Mr. Thompson will be off guard and say, "Yes, I agree."

It may be a long shot, but it's worth  a try. I hope I get a raise, but if I don't, it's okay. The job is so easy that sometimes when I'm watching a re-run of Friends on the TV of the lobby and I fall out of my seat laughing I get up thinking, "This is what I get paid for; I'm thankful for my job."